Everything is relative. Most people don't know the little joy of being able to underline something with a straight line if their hands don't shake. (And they will look at you with their judgey eyes if you squeal with happiness when it happens.)
So it is hard for people who don't deal with chronic pain, chronic illness, chronic "I want to, but I don't have the energy" to understand how warped my world is compared to theirs.
A while back I wrote an article about not being able to treat toe fungus because it would stress my body too much with my other medications. That was the first time I had ever been told "we can't treat this because you're sick" and it was a painful blow.
I think we all know in the back of our heads that there will come a day when our illnesses will interfere with daily life, medical care, or career. Yet, when that day comes, it is still like having someone say "what's in you're ear" and then cut it off to look inside instead of just leaning in. It hurts, its surprising, and it feels ridiculously unfair.
And now, folks, I find myself on a precipice in my career. If you've been a long time reader, you might remember that I was given the opportunity to work 4 days a week instead of 5 after I had an especially bad flare. It was such a blessing, and it drastically cut the amount of sick days I was using. But, as businesses do, our business has grown, and with that comes a need for more man power. Which means there is no longer room in the practice for "part time" or "less time" workers.
We had "the talk" last Friday, and I was wrecked. Do not misconstrue this, though, nothing was malicious or ultimatum-y or anything. But I was blind sided by it, and completely overwhelmed. I still felt like shit. My lab work came back abnormal last time and I had to go back for additional tests. I was exhausted all the time, I didn't even have the energy to shop. Like, not even for makeup. I don't have the energy to go to ULTA which means that something is seriously off.
My mind was a jumble. I felt awful, I'm not sleeping soundly. I usually take my methotrexate on Tuesday night, knowing that I can rest on Wednesday. I make all my appointments on Wednesday so I won't miss any more clinic. I had been planning to go back to school, to get prerequisites fulfilled for grad school. That certainly couldn't happen on the current course if I went back to 5 days a week. So much would have to change. And what if I got sick again? Then what would happen?
You all know me, though, and of course I'm going to try. You never know until you try, and who knows- maybe this is just a hurdle and not Mount Everest. Maybe jumping this hurdle will be the kick in the pants my body needs to get its shit together. Maybe it will make things better.
It's so easy to only see things in a negative light. But if I- if you, if any of us- give in to the temptation to do that, then it's a slippery slope to nothing but darkness. So I am choosing to think of this as an adventure.
Besides, people have climbed Mount Everest and survived, right?