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Autoimmune diseases bring a whole different set of problems. There's no reason to try and deal alone. Why not be in it together?
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Sunday, November 8, 2015

I thought finding a husband was hard...

... as it turns out, finding a friend as an adult is harder. It used to be that you just found one or two people in your classroom to be friends with and then your #SquadGoals could begin. Now, if you create a real friendship with someone at work that's great, but other options for meeting new people are few and far between. (I guess you could go to a bookstore and try to pick someone up friend style in your favorite section. I think that is sometimes referred to as "creepy", or "stalkerish".)
You could try joining a fandom, too. 

This is complicated by the fact that my fatigue/pain/unpredictable invisible illness make me kind of flaky. Sometimes really flaky. Like, who actually looks at the forecast before making plans, because if a low pressure system comes in they won't feel like doing it? Well, some of us have to. Rain doesn't just mean  switching to indoor activities for me, it means there's a chance I won't feel up to doing ANYTHING other than a no pants no dance party on top of my electric blanket. It is a very real part of my life.

That's really, really, really hard for people without endurance problems to understand. And I have found on many occasions there are people who initially think they can deal with the random bail outs, the preferred text sessions to hang outs, the annoyingly illness centered conversation. But a lot of those people, understandably so, can only handle so much. And then they start to fade away.

In my opinion, that shouldn't reflect on you.  Don't get me wrong, whenever it happens to me I become a despondent loon because I'm just sure this is a sign that I am not really sick, otherwise, wouldn't people stay and be there for me?  (There's also that snag of your personality also playing a part in whether people can't stand you. If that is why they start pulling away, I have no absolution for you. Don't be a dick.) But on the whole, you have to realize that what you consider normal ("They only had to draw 2 vials of blood today instead of 5!") is depressing and a downer for most other people. It saps their energy in a way that you probably have become blind to, because, like all the shirts at Hot Topic say, normal is relative.

I have no advise on how to fix this. You can limit how much you talk about your health with people, but then you don't really have a two way friendship, do you? I think the best I can tell you is to be guarded with yourself, don't take it personally if what you consider a discussion of your current day is too much like whining for someone.

And again, if you have the personality of a dick, then maybe check yo' self before you wreck yo' self.

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Don't Cry For Me Argentina...

... The truth is I never left you.

There is no problem so great that a little Supernatural
can't fix it.
I mentioned that it was a long, hard road. That, my friends, was an understatement.
I gave you the sugar coated version of how it transpired that I started working full time again, and I think its time I was open about exactly how it went down.  I explained it as not being "malicious" or "ultimatum-y", which was not entirely true. No, they were not malicious, but the exact words were "We have 2 open tech positions and 3 very qualified applicants all willing to work full time. We wanted to, of course, give you the opportunity to take on that full time position before offering it to them, because you are a valued member of our staff."  That sounds an AWFUL lot like "either you go full time or someone else gets your job who will." I guess I've never looked up the actual definition of ultimatum, but it seems like that must fit the bill.

And the truth  of my life is that since I went full time I have been kind of miserable. Actually, mostly miserable; Because I have such a shitty reaction to my meds, I have to take them when I won't have to work the next day. So if I'm working 5 days straight a week, and I have to give up 1 day to side effects then that means I only have 1 day to get all my shit done. So when does that leave for my body to recuperate?

Never. The answer to that question would be never.  And that caught up to me. Don't get me wrong, I truly wish with all my heart that I could work full time. The paycheck is way better, and you don't realize how boring laying at home alone all day is until you've had to do it repeatedly. Although, on the upside, I have read like seven or eight books thanks to all of that exhaustion. But that great paycheck doesn't help to  pay off the debt to my body.

So despite how much I love my office, my doctors, I had to make the difficult decision to put in my notice. Once I had an offer from an office that could give me part time, I went to the office manager and made it simple; They had been considering letting those of us who wanted to go part time actually do it, so I asked where they stood on that decision. He said he would have to get with the head tech and talk about it. So I sat down and calmly told him that I had an offer from another office who could accommodate me. He said he would talk to the tech that day and have an answer for me. That answer was, not surprisingly, a big old "enjoy the new digs!" (I mean, not literally. Obviously I've taken creative license with his words there. I don't for the life of me remember what exactly was said, but the end result was that they didn't want to keep me.)

It's kind of like a divorce; I still love the doctors, I wish it had worked out, but love doesn't always conquer all. And the truth is that I live with a degenerative disease, which means that over time it will only get worse, but I can influence how quickly that happens. So now I'm on to bigger and better things. I hope. It's so scary to try something new.

As a side note, one of the other girls who was given the letter about part time that I received was told she could go part time the day after I put in my notice. How quaint and not at all obvious.